The Last Time I Used Skype

I was bouncing at a college bar in Ann Arbor at the time. Every night hundreds of hot little college girls would dance the night away to the throb of obnoxious pop music. I would watch them bounce and jiggle for five hours in their little outfits then go home alone. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why I was so damn horny when I got home, but what I DID know was that I was in the mood to get flirty. But that's hard to do at 4 in the morning and everyone you know is asleep.

Vince was a Canadian college student and decidedly male. He was the first person I clicked on in the search I put in for people my age. Only meant to be an experiment at first, we became fast friends. And it was he that informed me of the wealth of Chinese girls that wanted to practice their English with handsome American boys.

Hooray for communist oppression! Them chicks were so down for the flirty chatter it was often I who had to slow things down. Not all were down, but my new persona, "William Tell", was quite crude and charismatically convincing. And if one wasn't interested, just move on. They didn't care. From all accounts they were moving even quickly from one boy to the next.

"May" wanted me to drag her, naked, through the airport using a dog leash. "Jen" needed me to tickle her until she pee'd in the middle of English class at her local university. And "Trish" wanted me to be eloquently appreciative while she used her cam to display her keyboarding skills...but not on her keyboard. All the while I remembered the few Mandarin Chinese lessons my former Pastor had given me extolling the virtues of the elegant and almost painfully diplomatic Chinese culture. All that chatting taught me one thing, Chinese chicks are just as horny as American ones are. They just hid it better. At least, until they met "William".

All the time I shared these adventures with my Skype buddy Vince while we had a good laugh. I asked him all the time about what he was up to, but he always shied away from the subject saying he was too busy with classes to be talking to tons of girls like I was. I figured he was just gay or a good liar and left it at that.

I got a job at the local NPR affiliate for the University I was attending and that killed my Skype-ing adventures. It's one thing to Skype until 7am when you don't need to hit class until 1 in the afternoon. But now I had to report to the new gig at 9am, get to class by 1pm, and report to work around 7 most nights. What few girls I'd given my e-mail to stopped contacting me over time. Vince disappeared altogether.

Three months later I logged into Skype. I just wanted to...I don't know. I just did it. Vince was there though and messaged me immediately. We quickly got caught up and in a moment of excitement he asked to cam with me. My computer was slow and crappy so I RARELY let guys video chat with me, but this was clearly deserving of an exception. He let me know when to turn on the video option and I went to the bathroom while my slowass computer loaded up the cam screen.

I came around my desk from the bathroom at an angle where my LCD screen was showing a negative color scheme of what was actually on display so what I saw on the screen in the video cam looked like a great white-ish blue blob.

"Can you see the cam?"
"Yes, but it looks like it's malfunctioning. All I see is this big white blob..."
"Hee hee!"

The laugh explained it all instantly. I was staring directly into the center of Vince's asshole.

"Vince. Is that your asshole?"
"Hee hee."
"Vince. This is not cool."
"Aw! hee hee hee!"

I'm not gay and I'm secure in my sexuality, but I'm not down for surprise male nudity I explained. He understood and apologized. Vince explained that he was bisexual and had wanted me since the first time we'd talked and that this had been his way of breaking the news. I was flattered. But tired from a long day. I told him it was good to talk to him, but I needed sleep. He asked when I'd talk to him again. Soon, I lied. I think he understood. If not, oh well.

*sign out*

*close program*

*uninstall program*

*delete remaining folder and related files*

*reboot computer*

I hate to lie, but I hate surprises more.